Hearthstone Heart-Throbs, Ranked

The world of esports is full of vitally important questions. Yes, lots of extremely pressing, seemingly unanswerable questions; questions that chase us around in panicked fever dreams, as we toss and turn in our beds wondering, desperately wondering, how we would even begin to answer them. The human condition is predicated on this very struggle, this desire to satiate the thirst for knowledge that was kindled in our very birth. It’s an itch we can never truly scratch, and it will haunt us all for the duration of our mortal lives. We will never be able to answer all the important esports questions, but we try, oh god do we try!

Reader, I understand your pain, for it is my pain also. I understand it, and I want to make it better. This is why I have answered the most pressing of all of esports’ nagging questions, and I have answered it definitively. I have answered it definitively, with a list. The question is this: “Of all the professional Hearthstone players, which are the 5 most attractive… and why?”

Come, enjoy this list with me.

5. Orange

Orange

Stare at Orange’s hair for 2 minutes and tell me he is not a Hearthstone hunk.

Sometimes good hair is all about effortlessness. That is, the kind of good hair that gives the impression you just rolled out of bed looking like that, its greatness enhanced by the sense of cool that comes with not being overly self-involved, not being so obsessed with the perception of others that you would spend hours and hours of your time finessing a trivial aspect of your appearance.

But Orange’s hair is brilliant for the exact opposite reason. Every aspect of Orange’s hair has been meticulously planned with the goal of inspiring absolute awe. Gazing at Orange’s hair is like staring into the sun – you are simultaneously taken aback by its beauty and frightened by its power. Orange’s hair doesn’t make you think of hair, it makes you think of the Egyptian Pyramids, or St. Peter’s Basilica, or the Great Wall of China. Orange’s hair is so much more than just hair, it’s a monument to human achievement.

Admit it, you want to spend time with Orange’s hair. You want to get to know its hidden desires, and deepest feelings. You want to make sense of its complexity, to unravel its structure, to figure out exactly where Orange ends and Orange’s hair begins. It’s normal, don’t worry, we all do – that’s why he makes the list.

4. Inderen

Inderen

Inderen is Hearthstone’s manic pixie dream boy.

Picture the scene: Inderen is busking on a street corner, with finger-picked guitar, putting his own spin on a classic Brand New song, and he’s really feeling the lyrics. Imagine it. Now he’s narrowing his eyes a little bit as the song gets even more emotional. All the while his calloused fingers are running expertly down the strings, plucking out that sweet melody. Midway through the song, he flicks his head to the side to displace a stray lock of his thick, dark hair. Picture this scene and tell me it is not what Inderen was born to do. You can’t.

Inderen’s a vegan, he digs utilitarian philosophy, and he runs his own small business that produces ethically sourced bucket hats. Only two of these facts are true. But the one that is false is still true to Inderen’s spirit, which is what really matters. It’s Inderen’s sweet, pure sincerity that earns him the place on this list. He’s lovely. Inderen is lovely.

3. Navi00t

Navi00t

Look at Navi00t. Look at Navi00t’s form-fitting trousers. Ask yourself the question: Why did Navi00t choose to wear such tight, revealing trousers to the biggest Hearthstone tournament of his life? Ask yourself this, and you will realise: Navi00t bought these form-fitting trousers because he knows his path to Hearthstone stardom lies in leveraging his muscular body to gain female fans. And it works. Oh boy, does it work.

Navi00t aggressively flaunting those butch Australian legs is one of the most awe-inspiring sights in Hearthstone. Look, look, look.

Navi, please, stop it.

2. Dog

DogDog is clearly in the very highest order of Hearthstone studs. Why? Because the chat on his stream is concerned with only three things. These are the following:

  1. Why Dog hasn’t taken his shirt off.
  2. What time, precisely, Dog will take his shirt off.
  3. WHY HAS DOG NEVER TAKEN HIS SHIRT OFF, ALL WE EVER DO IS BEG AND BEG FOR HIM TO TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF AND HE NEVER EVER DOES IT, HE NEVER TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF, WHY, WHY, WHY. WHY, WHY… WHY?

But Dog will never take his shirt off. He will never take his shirt off because he knows the value attached to it – he knows that the anticipation of said shirt being removed is the primary draw of his stream. Not high legend ranks, not novelty decks, not adorable kitschy indie playlists, not funny donations; nope, nope, nope. These are all good things, but it’s the shirt these viewers are crazy about. As soon as the shirt goes, the viewers go too. Dog knows this, so he can never give them what they want, no matter how much he wants to. This is the eternal torture of being Dog. The shirt must remain on. All this, together, means that Dog actually has the highest financial value attached to him keeping his shirt on his chest of any human alive. That’s impressive. That’s why he’s number 2.

1. Keanu Reeves

Hyped

A contentious choice, possibly, since Keanu Reeves’ stint in the Hearthstone scene was fairly short-lived. But that seems like a shallow basis to deny the super hot star of classic sci-fi thriller The Matrix the number one spot. Now he’s gracing the NA Overwatch scene, where his abilities to slow time and dodge bullets will be infinitely more useful.

Categories: eSports,Hearthstone