Hearthstone

Frank Soldato rates Hearthstone Cards based solely on their art

The main thing to know about Frank Soldato is that he knows nothing about Hearthstone. Seriously, it’s one of the defining elements of his personality. Frank has a T-shirt that says “I know absolutely nothing about Hearthstone, or any other digital CCG, and am extremely proud of that fact” on it. He’s wearing it now. We tried to tell him that’s far too long a slogan to put on a T-shirt. He didn’t listen.

Anyway, we figured that it’d be funny to get poor ignorant Frank to attempt to rate some of the cards from Hearthstone’s new expansion, Witchwood. To make things easier, though, we cut out the stuff we knew would scare him: that would be, everything except the art. This should help Frank to focus on doing what he does best: drawing dubious conclusions from extremely limited information. Over to you, Frank.

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Nightscale Matriarch

Nightscale Matriarch may be one of the best cards to ever enter the Hearthstone Meta. It’s a Dragon, obviously, and if popular culture has taught us anything it’s that Dragons are pretty much all-powerful (unless you count that film ‘Reign of Fire’ because SPOILER ALERT the Dragons lose in that one).

Back to the card at hand: beyond being a Dragon it is also a Matriarch – AKA the Mother (of) Dragon(s) – and what is more powerful than a mother trying to protect its family? Or in this case a deck, which is like the players family… only in digital card form!

The only issue is that the Matriarch is always tired and as a result constantly dozing off in battle. This is because it sleeps on an uncomfortable mattress of its victims skulls.

I give this card a 9 out of 10 because I liked the film ‘Reign of Fire’.

Prince Liam

If there is one card that is not to be messed with in this set is has to be Prince Liam.

The prince has a certain set of skills that you do not want to mess with. If your opponent takes control of any of your cards Prince Liam, will find them and will kill them. This is because he has yellow eyes. The yellow eyes tell you this.

Beyond that, Liam also has access to otherworldly powers… It’s unclear whether these powers are derived from some hokey religion, or have a more superhero-type flavour, being derived from microscopic organisms that live inside him or similar.

Prince Liam is an unstoppable force to be reckoned with. But he loses points because he hasn’t showered in years. 7 out of 10.

Shudderwock

It’s hard not to feel bad for the Shudderwock, I mean just look at it! It’s almost like the Shudderwock never made it past his awkward teenage years, but as we all know he’s older than time itself. Grow up, man!

Originally the Shudderwock was a peaceful creature that was meant to support other cards in your deck, but after getting laughed out of auditions for the live-action remake of ‘Pete’s Dragon’ due to what producers deemed ‘unattractive features’ it became resentful of the world around it. It now exists only to cause pain and suffering but it’s pretty bad at that because it’s so weak. A constant target of taunting, the Shudderwock doesn’t have much self-confidence anymore. Sad stuff.

The only thing you’ll beat with this card in your deck is yourself. This card has no game and thus shouldn’t be used in-game. 3/10.

Squashling

Now this is a hard one to call because while I love the Great Pumpkin from Peanuts, I also hate intellectual property theft, which this is straying pretty close to. I mean, fine, a giant Jack-o-Latern on a vine body isn’t exactly new to pop-culture but if I stumble upon a card featuring a wise-cracking Beagle I’m calling the estate of Chuck Shultz.

As he seems to be the king of a pumpkin patch I imagine his roots would play heavily into the game, probably sapping energy from other cards on the field. I bet he uses it to boost the power of his little gourd friends, the squashy little rascal.

This card should only be used between October 25th and November 2nd, if you keep it in your deck any longer it will start to go mushy and the smell will be unbearable.

I give this card a 5 out of 10 because it reminds me of Halloween, and I like Halloween. But is this card a Trick or a Treat? Still not sure!

One day Squashling sneezed and out came the Walnut Sprite. That’s it, that’s its entir ebackstory.

I rate this card a 0 out of 10 because it looks worthless, it’s a trash card. Don’t use it… I assume.

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