The ESL UK Hearthstone Premiership is taking place this weekend and somehow Deathsie has managed to qualify for it. The news that Deathsie finally qualified for a major Hearthstone tournament prompted much anguish and dismay in the GINX office; popular TV personalities Frank Soldato, Ali Habibi and Heather “Naysayerz” Dower were inconsolable, with their heads in their hands and tears trickling sadly through their fingers onto the concrete floor.
The reason for this consternation is that if Deathsie wins this tournament he will be unbearable. He would literally never stop talking about it. The Bridge would go from being a light-hearted gaming news roundup to an endless deluge of Deathsie Talking About How He Finally Won Something. He will insist that we all apologise for calling him bad at Hearthstone, admittedly with some justification, and we’ll probably actually have to do it. He’d be so happy. It’d be awful.
Thing is though – while this is all very, very bad, it must be an even worse feeling actually getting knocked out by Deathsie in a Hearthstone tournament. I’ve mused on this for a little while, how bad the bad feeling would be, and think I’ve gathered the requisite data to put together the only ESL Premiership preview that really matters. I have ranked the players on how badly they’d take it if Deathsie beat them.
Let’s clarify, quickly: no one is happy to lose to Deathsie. The desolation merely varies in magnitude. Just because Coldhands comes in at number seven that does not mean he would not be completely mentally destroyed if he heard Deathsie’s annoying high-pitched voice squeal out in joy after a victory.
When I asked him how he’d take the loss, he just linked me this tweet from Greensheep to provide some sense of the level of misery.
I feel like I might have hit the tipping point, I handled all the other tough breaks by blaming it on myself but in this scenario its hard to blame it on myself instead I see the fault lies in others and I hate myself for thinking this way
— James Luo (@GreenSheepHS) November 24, 2017
Toastmonster wouldn’t be visibly furious if that crimson-topped little Hearthstone obsessive defeated him in a series. Internally, though, he’d be seething. I actually think this picture of Toastmonster serves as a great illustration of what he would look like in the event of such a horrific loss.
Look at that face. Toastmonster is so existential his dreams are fully formed Albert Camus novels. A loss to Deathsie would send him into a ruminative spiral, cause him to retreat deep into his own psyché. He’d start wearing trench coats, he’d take up smoking, and he’d start taking loads of moody midnight walks on which he’d stare contemplatively at frightened strangers. Deathsie, please don’t do this to him.
5. Big Ben
Big Ben loves two things more than anything in the world: the neo-gothic architecture of his namesake tower, and winning at Hearthstone.
But right now, he’s fragile. Real life Big Ben is under maintenance; its bell won’t ring for another four years. This deeply saddens Big Ben the Hearthstone player. Usually he might not be so ruffled by a loss to that little anime-looking meme pixie, but with his favourite tower out of action Ben is liable to snap spectacularly.
Mysterious is bound to be really tense at this event, because there are only so many caster puns on his name he’ll be able to put up with before going off the rails entirely.
“Oooh, not sure what he was thinking with that mulligan decision. Bit of a Mysterious choice, hehe..”
“Hmmm, his opponent must be really confused by this Mysterious decklist! Lol!”
“Hehe, bet Mysterious really likes playing Wild, he must be a big fan of Secret Paladin. Y’know, because of Mysterious challenger? I’m funny.”
After all that stress, who could blame Mysterious for screaming his head off at that thick rimmed glasses wearing elf-child.
Danswf is a really similar height to Deathsie. So in my hypothetical post-loss situation, I’m picturing Dan keeping it relatively together right up until the point Deathsie comes to shake his hand. He’ll be at the exact level that makes eye contact almost impossible to ignore. Deathsie will grab his hand and hold on to it for a little bit too long, smirking in that way only Deathsie can, and staring directly into Dan’s eyes while he does so. It is at this point that Danswf will completely lose it.
Deep, intense, focused man that Boarcontrol is, a loss to Deathsie would be sure to make him tear his hair out in torturous frustration. Just look how animated his reactions were in this quarter final Dreamhack matchup vs Rdu. Every piece of bad RNG was an individual tiny dagger through his heart; every bad draw makes him physically wince.
Deathsie is ten billion times more annoying than Rdu. Bad beats that previously made Boarcontrol twitch a little would launch him into debilitating paroxysms if they came in a game vs Deathsie. He wouldn’t just be getting high-rolled, he’d be getting high-rolled by Deathsie. It’s difficult to predict how badly he’d react to the loss, but I think it’s fair to say he’d probably
pick up that evil looking Weevil Underwood impersonator, hoist him overhead, then throw him at the analysis desk.
I have the unique privilege of being in a group chat with HelloLeeroy, and therefore have several examples, immediately to hand, of how Immensely Mad he is capable of getting over Hearthstone. Unfortunately, though, the language used in all of these exceeds the limits we set on the GINX website for the sake of taste and decency. I have therefore redacted large portions of it.
Suffice to say, though, if Deathsie managed to apply lethal damage to HelloLeeroy’s devastated dome, the man would enter a fit of rage so cataclysmic and violent the very fabric of the universe would be ripped to pieces. I’m picturing a massive scarlet hell-portal opening up, sucking in the entire ESL Premiership set; the PCs, the players, the casters, the crowd, the analysis desk with a Deathsie-sized dent in it. All of these things would be hoovered up into the all-consuming black hole.
But Deathsie would survive. Devil-like, the skinny little demon-child would survey the chaos and cackle ecstatically as the universe implodes. He doesn’t care. Because he won at Hearthstone.