I Watched The Borderlands Movie So You Don't Have To

Hollywood has done it again. They’ve taken a franchise with so much potential, and just defecated all over it. Yes, it really is that bad. We always knew it was gonna be a dumpster fire. From the original script getting multiple rewrites, to the film being shot back in 2021 and then going through reshoots two years later, to the bizarre casting choices. The writing was on the wall. And when the initial reviews came flooding in yesterday with horrifically low scores, I thought: “Man, I’ve got to see this for myself.” So I booked a ticket, sat there with three other people on opening day, and proceeded to sink further and further into a pit of despair over what this movie could, and should’ve been.

I should clarify that by no means am I an expert of the series. I played the hell out of the first game, a little bit of the second, and a decent chunk of the third. I kind of fell off after that, but I look back on that first game fondly. It charged out of the gate with such style and personality, and exploring it alongside my friends back in my teens is among my favourite gaming memories ever.

But this movie was never going to be that. It was never meant to be. And that’s thanks to director Eli Roth. Now, admittedly, I’ve never seen any of his other work, and, after this movie, I now have no interest in doing so. But I also don’t think he’s ever played any of my favourite games either, you know, like Borderlands. In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Roth said, “Well, I wanted to stay true to the spirit of the game which is fun and silliness and anarchy. And no rules and total craziness. I wanted a beautiful visual aesthetic… But we could really, really change things. Whether it was the casting or the story, I just wanted a big fun popcorn movie where everybody goes and has a great time.” 

Now if this was a Bethesda game, this is where we would pop up with “Everyone disliked that”. Because here’s a man who has clearly misunderstood the games at a fundamental level, and yet has the arrogance and audacity to use it as his PG-13 popcorn plaything. There’s no point reviewing it for its authenticity or accuracy. Those elements were never considered. And it’s with that in mind that the casting suddenly makes sense, because the characters from the game never mattered. And as disgusting and disheartening as I find that whole premise, I think it’s important to swallow that pill, and accept and review the movie for what it’s intended to be. 

Where does that leave us? Well, what could’ve been a faithful and stylish adaptation died for the action movie equivalent of eating the soggy food scraps out of the bottom of your sink. 

So, spoiler warning (not that you need it, you’re never gonna watch this film), none of the characters are as you know them. Lilith is a middle aged bounty hunter whose entire personality is being the cool serious badass. It’s comical how cliche the opening is:

Lilith’s getting old, she wants to get out of the business. But guess what, she gets offered one last job that she just can’t refuse. Who by? The slimy boss of Atlas Corp, who is introduced by doing a slow clap after she kills his goons. The job? To rescue his daughter Tiny Tina who has been taken — by someone, they never really explain who. Oh, and Tina is now a clone made from the blood of the ancient iridian race. She was created so that Atlas boss man can open a vault. Makes sense.

He had sent Roland beforehand, but he decided to escape the space prison to Pandora along with Krieg. Who, by the way, is the most redundant character of all time. His introduction is literally him breaking through the glass door of his cell as Roland and Tina are escaping. He wasn’t drugged up with super strength, the door wasn’t weakened. He just coincidentally breaks out. Like, come on, they have the tech to build a space prison, but not prisoner proof cells? He immediately starts wailing on the nearest guards, and then, on a whim, decides he’s had enough of that and he’s going to instead dedicate his life to helping Tina and Roland.

But here’s the thing, all the characters are just as one-dimensional. Because the movie is just a constant barrage of action sequences, any time there is some dialogue, it’s just a huge exposition dump. Every now and then they’ll try and throw in a poignant moment but the shift in tone is so breakneck that it just feels awkward.

The whole movie is riddled with nonsensical plot holes. The enemies always miraculously turn up at the right time and place. They establish Pandora as a lawless, trash-heap planet. Yet later, when they’re driving away from an army, the gang escape by turning into a boarded off road with loads of “Danger” and “Do Not Enter” signs. They warn of the oncoming monster piss fields or whatever. But, who on Pandora went through the effort of putting those signs there? Health and safety? The Pandora Borough council?

In another scene, they're walking over a rusty metal bridge to cross an acid river. They establish it’s weak as hell early on when Tina nearly falls in. So what do they do? They all combine their weight and cross in a group. Hell, at one point there’s a step down, and there’s a shot of Lilith taking a big jump and stomping down on to it. The whole thing is void of all logic and reason. 

To be honest, it's hard to really criticise the actors because the script is that abysmally bad. Sure, Blanchett didn’t work as the badass action hero, but with that dialogue and direction, she was always doomed to fail. Kevin Hart plays Roland as straight as possible, but the only thing he's given to work with is “man that shoots gun”. Tina's actor, Ariana Greenblatt, was told by the director to be like “Harley Quinn as a kid”, which says all you need to know.

It's just sad. This had a $120 million budget and the hopes of millions of fans. Luckily for me, I'm not a hardcore Borderlands lover, so I can just about let this go. But here's the real kicker: The producer was Avi Arad. The same guy who made Morbius. And the same guy who's pencilled in to make the live action Zelda movie. I apologise for the part of you that just died inside.